Today I am feeling content and I want to canonize it somewhere where I could never lose it to a box or a garbage can. I don't feel content very often. I usually feel ill at ease, like I'm not doing something I should be or I'm doing whatever I am doing wrong, but today, I feel peaceful.
The day didn't start off this way. This morning as I was walking my dog I ran over my plans for the day in a panic. I felt like I had to do one thing right after the other in order for the day to make any sense. In order for everything to stay controlled. In order that one task didn't negate another. I often have this mode of thinking where a small to do list turns into a beast because I think I have to get it done in some particular order and damn it I want to drink my coffee first and I already started my laundry so I have to put it away soon and I need to give the dog a bath before I clean the tub and I still need to eat and if I don't write first thing in the morning then I'll never write.
Then it happened. I stopped myself. I realized I was making a mountain out of a mole hill (that is such an accurate phrase to describe what I pretty much always do).
Maybe having a mountain to climb feels more significant and that's why I do it. I want to feel important, but once I recognized I was merely stepping over a mole hill I felt so much better and I didn't even feel insignificant because my worth is not tied up in how many mountains I climb (metaphorical or not). I had the whole day ahead of me and I could attack it in whatever way I wanted. I could do my laundry first and if it sat in the washer for an hour who cares. I could give the dog a bath after I'd had coffee and eaten. I could clean the tub whenever the hell I wanted. I could write whenever it worked out. I could not write. I could read instead. Heck, I could carry on watching reruns of The Golden Girls and zoning out the world if I wanted. It was my day.
When the dog and I got back from our walk I had my breakfast and half a mug of coffee and did a little school work. Then I snuggled on the couch with the dog for a few minutes. I drank a bit more coffee as we looked out the window together and I realized I was content. I didn't feel pressure to get up right away and get started on anything else. I didn't feel like I was missing out on anything. I didn't feel lazy because I wasn't climbing a mountain. I just was and it was bliss.