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The Introspective Salon
In the breakroom at my workplace, there has been a longstanding and outspoken frustration that there are some people who don’t put their dishes in the dishwasher. Since I’ve been working there, there has been a sign that politely asks people to put their dishes away, but recently, the ante was upped and a new sarcastic sign, complete with the picture of the inside of a dishwasher, was posted. Even more recently, the ante was upped again and a sign with a campaign to raise money for a charity if dishes were being put away, was added to the cabinet above the sink. My reaction toward the sign was one of confusion. The charity was one that helped children to stay off the streets in violent neighborhoods in Chicago, and my workplace is situated in a very comfy neighborhood in Northern Colorado, so I thought it seemed a little unbalanced to put our “dish problem” up against the violence children live with in Chicago. I was further made uncomfortable by the dish ploy because when dishes were found in the sink, money was going to be taken away from the charity. My confusion came in because I have a tendency to jump to dramatic conclusions. I wasn’t sure if I was missing the point of the sign or if I was being overly sensitive, so I took a picture of the sign and sent it to my husband, asking him what he thought. When he simply replied, “what, that’s weird,” I posted the picture to Instagram and asked for others’ thoughts. I was affirmed in my thinking, and then quickly flew to the dramatic conclusions I was trying to avoid: THE POSTER OF THE SIGN IS AN INCONSIDERATE JERK! THE POSTER OF THE SIGN IS A MANIPULATIVE ASSHOLE! THE POSTER OF THE SIGN OBVIOUSLY THINKS DISHES ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN CHILDREN! Yea. Dra-ma-tic conclusions. Dramatic and completely inflexible to the actual complexities of the situation. The more my dramatic conclusions escalated, though, the more I felt called to DO SOMETHING. I worried that if I approached the poster of the sign (who had at least attached his name to it), I would simply be trying to change his mind in the matter and that the whole conversation would be fruitless. I over-analyzed my intentions of starting a conversation and instead, I donated money to the charity myself and posted my own sign letting my co-workers know that money had been donated and they no longer needed to worry about the dishes (I did not attach my name to the sign). Yea. I mean, YEA! Because, at first, I was so proud of myself, In my mind, the original poster was a JERK! He had no regard for anybody’s sensitivities but his own! But then, people began responding to my sign. And I was the jerk. According to one of the responders, I was entitled. I have to admit, the word “entitled” really set me off. I went to my locker and grabbed a pen. I wrote across the top of the sign that the children in the charity were not accountable for our dishes. I made an arrow from the word entitled to the original sign. I WAS PISSED! How dare someone call me entitled! I paced around the breakroom. I felt like I had every right to be mad. I stewed in my anger. Then I went back to work, and the regret settled in. I had started a stupid passive-aggressive argument over dishes.
I had taken the emphasis off the charity and off the children involved in the charity, and that was my whole beef about the original sign! The original sign was taking away from what was really important – helping others. But my sign was doing the exact same thing. I walked back to my supervisor’s office, but she wasn’t at her desk. I paced around the workroom feeling so frustrated with myself and with the situation. I worried that maybe I only wanted to say something to my supervisor because someone had called ME entitled and then I almost talked myself out of setting things straight, but then I walked back to my supervisors’ office again and she was back. I confessed to posting the second sign. I expressed my rage at being called entitled and that I was worried my whole purpose for confessing was selfish. I hardly gave her a chance to chime in as I immediately explained why I was upset with the original sign. I just kept talking. It was weird. I am normally so controlled, but the words just rolled out of me. My supervisor, who I have known to also be upset with the dishes, came to the original posters’ defense, but it was interesting because according to her, he had a similar idea. It is just a dish, and this child is living in violence, so put your dish away. But for me, in this perspective, the dish, whether in the sink or in the dishwasher, is meaningless. A sink with a few dishes just doesn’t compare to neighborhoods under constant threat. In much less eloquent words (because talking to people face-to-face is HARD) I expressed that idea, and I suggested a more positive approach. Rather than taking money away because of dishes in the sink, couldn’t we at least give money because of dishes in the dishwasher? I mean seriously, creating positive incentives, that’s just good leadership (I didn’t say that part). My supervisor agreed that I had a point. I then confessed to adding more comments to the sign. I asked her to take it down because I felt embarrassed, and she did. Gosh, I should have just talked to her about it in the first place! I had made a sweeping conclusion that the poster of that sign was a bad person. I flagged him as a manipulative jerk who didn’t even deserve the decency of communication and I experienced the consequences of that kind of black and white thinking. It’s slightly infuriating that I had to learn this lesson this way, if I’m completely honest, because I have been challenging this type of thinking ever since I began challenging my anxiety and depression. I thought I knew better. In my experience, believing that any person is all good or all bad leads to anxiety and thoughts of sadness. It leads to serious misunderstandings. It is difficult to see the world in gray, though, because then there aren’t really any easy answers. When I thought the poster of the sign was all bad, the answer was easy - make him feel bad for what he did. But it just wasn’t so easy. I don't condone the sign and I don't condone manipulating people with emotional appeals to get them to do what you want, but I also understand that there are more layers to the person behind the sign than I gave him credit for. Since I talked to my supervisor, the poster of the original sign has offered communication to me about the signs, which is more than I was willing to do.
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Everyone has traits, both physical and personality traits, that they consider to be flaws. To me, human flaws are traits that are changeable. Flaws aren’t static. My freckles or the texture of my hair, for example, are not flaws. While they may be flaws put up against the beauty ideal, they are not flaws because there is nothing I can do about either of those things (outside of drastic measures). Of course, this is up to interpretation. Some people might not consider skin lightening or hair extensions to be drastic, but that is outside of my realm of consideration. For my purposes, my flaws are the traits that I can change. I recently watched a video by a blogger and Youtuber I follow, Laura with “How to Get Your Shit Together,” and she participated in this “perfectly imperfect tag” and shared three of her flaws. In the comments, a lot of people were saying the she was being too hard on herself and that her “overly emotional flaw” was just inherent to her as a woman and she shouldn’t worry about it. I highly, highly disagree. Not just because blaming emotions on being a woman is problematic, but also, if Laura considers being overly emotional a flaw, then she must not be happy about the effects that has on her life. She must want to change it! I think it’s great that she’s aware of it and I don’t think she’s necessarily being too hard on herself. I don’t know her true inner thoughts, maybe she beats herself up about it, but simply considering it to be a flaw and wanting to change it is not unhealthy.
Flaws are traits that might make us unhappy or make other people uncomfortable and there’s no reason why we have to live in that misery with ourselves or with others. This got me thinking about some of the traits of my own that I consider flaws. What are some traits that I want to change, or am actively working on changing? I’m going to share three flaws, and talk a little bit about how I plan to change or how I am changing. 1. I am a TERRIBLE gift giver. I actually get really stressed when people give me gifts because I feel a pressure to return it and I suck at knowing what to get people. One of the problems is that I’m frugal, so I don’t want to spend a lot of money on a gift. Another problem is that I think about it too much from my own perspective. If I feel uncomfortable about getting gifts, then so will other people, right? Well, that is just silly. There are plenty of people in my life whose love language is gift giving and would absolutely swoon if I got them a gift. I also want to make sure I get people gifts that they will actually use, rather than just little trinkets, and that can delay the whole process of buying a gift because I have to think about functionality and figure out what the receiver of the gift might need. Sometimes though, a little trinket or token of love and appreciation is enough. I’ve been working on this by re-framing the whole gift giving process as one that’s fun, not stressful. I’ve been having a lot of fun compiling a Gift Ideas wish list on Amazon and thinking about the interests of my friends and family. With the holidays coming up, it’s a perfect time of year to work on this flaw. 2. I live my life by arbitrary rules that I make FOR MYSELF! It’s absolutely ridiculous, to be brutally honest. As an example, a few months ago I was shopping at Maurices. I was trying on this sweater that had a floral edge at the bottom and when the sales associate asked me what I thought about it I was like, “Oh, I think I’m too old for this.” She was like, “But if you like it!” And I was like, “Yea, I’m just making up some arbitrary rule for myself.” I realize now, that I do that in all facets of my life! If I decide that some concept is true, then it is absolutely true. I decided that I was too old for that sweater. I didn’t make up my mind about that sweater for some other more logical reason like, oh I don’t know, I just didn’t like it! (which I didn’t). Rather, I decided it was true, that at 25, I was too old to wear sweaters with little floral edges at the ends. I read in The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Depression by Kirk D. Strosahl and Patricia J. Robinson that this "rule governed behavior" is a big contributor to depression, so for me there is a lot of significance in challenging the rules I make for myself. I’ve begun working on my rule-making flaw by creating a list of all these arbitrary rules so that I can become aware of them. These rules have become so routine that I’m not always conscious of the fact that I’m making a decision based on a rule, rather than my intuition or feelings. I also feel that it’s urgent to challenge this flaw because it doesn’t make me happy to follow these rules. It makes me rigid and inflexible. These rules keep me from living more spontaneously and accepting whatever may come and go. I think some sense of routine and normalcy is a perfectly healthy thing to strive for, but I don’t want it to get in the way of me living a full and purposeful life. 3. The last flaw I’ll share is that I am not very trusting. I often assume the worst in people (outside of my closest friends and family) rather than giving them the benefit of the doubt. I don’t believe that my acquaintances or colleagues really care that much about me and this leads me to being cold and stand offish. If I don’t have an intimate relationship with someone, then I’m not quick to respond to their emotions (unless it’s blatant sobbing) because I’m quick to think they might be trying to manipulate me. I’m quick to think they’re not being sincere. I haven’t had the best luck with friendships in my life, and I know a part of that is because I have not been willing to open up, but regardless of the reason, it has led me to distrusting people. I think there is some value in staying guarded with people who aren’t really involved in my life, but I also think that I could stand to be just about as open as I am in this space, in real life. The idea that few people read my posts allows me to open up here, but if I open up to someone in real life and then they open up to me in return, wow, scary stuff. Vulnerability is so much harder when there’s a risk of expressing raw emotion and possibly crying in front of someone, or having someone cry in front of me. To be honest, I haven’t been doing much of anything to work on this. Well, I don’t know. Maybe these blog posts count. It’s like a gradual ladder of vulnerability, at least on my end. It doesn’t really allow me to be open to other peoples’ emotions, though. So, in real life, I haven’t done much to confront this flaw. I am aware, so that’s a step, but I am scared to work on it because, well, it’s very scary for me. To demonstrate JUST HOW SCARY THIS IS, I'll share that I have this friend, who I have known for TWENTY years. We went to church together. We went to school together. We lived in the same town for most of our lives, and even now that we don't we still keep in touch. This is a woman who I feel close to. She officiated my marriage! And yet, only recently, as in the past few months, have we been opening up to each other. And I have known her for TWENTY years. It’s clearly a big challenge for me to be vulnerable with even my closest friends! I have made progress, but currently, I’m not really taking any active steps toward changing. Every time I think about it this flaw, I find some way to justify it. Oh, that’s just how I am or oh it protects me from pain or looking like a fool. Even now, I’m thinking that this flaw isn’t that big of a deal and I don’t need to work on it, but being emotionally distant doesn’t make me happy. I can change it. I may never be flamboyantly open about my emotions, but I can share a little more about myself and encourage others to share with me, too. I can learn to trust people a little bit more. I can look for the good in people rather than assume the worst. That's it. Those are the 3 flaws that I hope to change. I'm not going to share any of my physical flaws because I don't think that's the point of this exercise. There are things about my body that I'd like to change, too, but at this point in my life working on the internal stuff, the head stuff and the heart stuff is way more important. Plus, I find, that when I work from the inside, eating healthy and staying active become a more natural part of my life rather than a lifestyle I feel like I have to force. Go forth, will you, in a gentle pursuit to change the flaws that make you most unhappy. For the past week I have been feeling incredibly restless. I seem unable to focus on much of anything, even a Youtube video or a television show. I’ve been finding it hard to even look forward to picking up a book to read because I’d rather do something more mindless. I’d rather pick at the dry skin on my right thumb until it is even. (Which is a fruitless goal because it will never be even until I stop picking at it!) Doing mindless activities is usually my response to restlessness. My thumb becomes a minefield of hangnails when I succumb to this. Zoning out is a way for me to avoid my real feelings, like maybe my life isn’t where I want it to be. Maybe I wish I was more successful. Often times I think wow, I’m getting my MFA, a degree that will be unlikely to land me any particular job, and I’m working part-time so I should be seeking other opportunities! I should be seeking other employment! I should be volunteering! I should be writing an obscene amount of things and shoving them out into the world! I should be solving all my personal problems now while I have the time! I should be learning a new language! I SHOULD BE DOING ALL THE THINGS! I mean, why wouldn’t I want to avoid all those thoughts? They are heavy. They’re exhausting and they make me feel like shit. They make me feel lazy and unaccomplished. I have been trying a new strategy against these thoughts the past week, though. It’s nothing novel, I got the idea from this workbook I do from time to time called How To Be Happy (Or at Least a Little Less Sad) by Lee Crutchley. I’ve been utilizing the “Worry Window” when my thoughts start to get really big and scary and mean. For 10-20 minutes, I give myself time to just write down any worries that come to mind. When I first did it, I was like oh I can’t do that for twenty minutes! Well, I did do it for 20 whole minutes and I could have kept going, but I stopped and I told myself the worries were for the window. I could choose another time of day to do a Worry Window, but for the rest of the day I wouldn’t think about them. It was incredibly helpful to banish all the worries to the window. The window has also had an unexpected result. As I write my worries, I find I contradict the most irrational ones, just naturally. If I write down a worry about how I don’t make enough money or what if I’m not a good wife, my mind automatically reverts it. Even though I’m writing very fast and constantly coming up with new worries, I’m still re-framing the most irrational ones in my mind. This is also great because then I can parse the wilder worries from the more pressing ones and make a plan for the worries that have more grounding in reality.
Another benefit to the Worry Window is that I am finding themes. The biggest theme that permeates my windows is MONEY! I write down a money worry about 10-15 times. A large portion of my Worry Window just looks like this: $$$. I’m also very worried if I’m a good wife or a good sister. I worry that maybe people find me annoying or that I push people away. I worry a great deal about the future. It’s useful to see these themes emerge because then I can prioritize what worries need action most and I can come up with a plan. Most of the worries that are appearing frequently are fortunately ones that I can act on. I can make a plan for saving more money, for instance. Or, I can spend more time with my husband. I can call my sisters more often. Worrying about what others think about me is an irrational worry that keeps coming up. Maybe, uncontrollable is a better word in this instance. We all worry about this and I think it serves a purpose, but ultimately, there’s nothing I can do about that. I can’t control what others think about me and I can’t expect everyone to like me. I can, however, control what I think about myself. The more I learn to like myself, the less I'll care what others think. Determining these worries that are out of my control will help me to figure out where to put my anxiety fighting efforts. It will help me to know what worries I can try to leave behind, and the Worry Window has provided a great opportunity to re-frame my negative thoughts. In the window, I confront my worries, rather than zone out and try to dismiss them. Hopefully, my thumb will heal as a result. Back on the topic of writing about things I hate, here, but I hate being busy. Yet, paradoxically, I want to be busy. It's a frustrating contradiction. On the one hand, I feel like a big lump if I'm not like "OH I HAVE BEEN SO BUSY!" when talking with others, but on the other hand, I hate when "OH I HAVE BEEN SO BUSY!" is a true statement. What I actually want, is the status that comes with being busy. People glorify packed schedules. I could sound so much cooler if I was able to talk about the myriad of events littering my hectic yet gratifying week. Wait, no, for people to be impressed I don't even have to once say how much I enjoyed myself. I just have to go on and on about how busy I was and the case is clear, isn't it? My life is amazing. It's so full and successful. My oldest sister is the opposite of me when it comes to being busy. She seems to have something going on all the time. Every weekend she's going hiking and every weeknight she's going to a yoga class or riding her bike around town or taking her dog to the dog park or getting drinks with friends. Now, I know that I'm being hyperbolic. She doesn't have any social media so I can't look on Twitter and see what she did on a Monday or something like that, but she does send group messages to our family a lot with pictures from her hikes and her weekend trips. I mean, really, how many weekend trips can you take in a year? And, even though I react negatively toward all that talk about being so busy, at the same time I think I want it.
The thing is, when I'm honest with myself, I have a really hard time being busy. When things do start to pile up I get stressed and I find it hard to cope when I don't have more than a few hours at home on any given day. I JUST LOVE BEING AT HOME. I love sitting on the right side of the couch with a coffee or a whiskey sour sitting on our makeshift side table, and a book in my hand or something to watch on TV. Of course, when too much time goes by with me just sitting on that couch I do start to get restless and want to go out and do things, so I guess that's where my contrasting desire to be busy comes from, it comes from that restless place. I look at my sister's pictures and she's OUT in the world, living. I am so insular sometimes . . . pretty much all the time, and I do want to get out and BE in the world more than I am, but I also don't want to have so little room in my schedule that I can't find time to sit on that comfy spot on the right side of the couch. I might think I want to be busy, but I don't want the strife that comes with having a packed schedule. For my sister, I imagine being busy doesn't cause her a lot of strife. She must enjoy it if she plans her weeks out to be so busy, but for me, that's annoying. When I get busy I start to neglect the important things like cooking healthy food or finding time to spend with the people I care about. And, I still struggle with busy even when it does come from spending time with people I care about. I would much prefer being busy with people rather than work or other obligations, but I still like to have a good amount of time to myself. The other thing about being busy is that it can be expensive. I may envy my sister's weekend trips, but I sure don't want to spend the money on travel expenses. I may wish I had a cool sitcom style group of friends to go grab drinks with at the very posh local bar every week, but I know I'd end up getting water a lot of those times because I wouldn't want to dole out the cash for another round of drinks. No, I'm good with my homemade sours. Being busy is a personal preference, I guess. My sister never complains that she's so busy, she truly seems to enjoy herself. I can't know if she really does, it could be a rouse for all I know, but if she does enjoy it, then good for her for creating a life that she loves. My ideal life is more balanced. I'd like to have more things to look forward to. More events that get me out of the house. I love going to concerts and plays. I love going out to dinner and walking around downtown or hitting a trail (though I have no vested interest in hiking every damn weekend) and I wouldn't mind if those things happened more often, but, I'm also happy enough with myself (most the time) and my relationships that I don't feel like I HAVE to do all those things to be happy, they'd just be bonuses. I have had the most personal growth during times where I've been able to be alone and consider my thoughts. I feel more ready to accept the general busy-ness of everyday life: Work. Keeping up with housework. Cooking. Education. Hobbies. Relationships. But, I don't care to overextend myself, even for the cool factor of being able to say "I've been so busy!" Besides, it's all perspective anyway. What's busy to me is a slow week for someone else and vice versa. I might still get envious when busy people seem so pleased with themselves for apparently accomplishing so much in a week, but I can realize now that being busy isn't what matters to me. What matters is that I can take care of all my obligations, that I can take care of myself and foster my relationships, and that I'm able to feel personally fulfilled at the end of each day (or most days, anyway). I have something I need to get off my chest. I HATE SELF-HELP GURUS. Specifically, the kind that sprout their business online. Specifically, the kind with "life experience," but without any formal education or training. Specifically, the kind that try to solve problems by rejuvenating daily routines or decluttering closets or giving out loads of free buzzword content and then charging stupid amounts for "services." It may sound like I've had a bad experience with a self-help guru. Like I got scammed, but I didn't, I just hate that these trolls are out there scamming vulnerable people. Because really, the people who seek these services are vulnerable! People who seek self-help materials are down, they're often desperate and willing to pay someone money to solve their problems for them. And self-help gurus are takin' it. They're taking that sad sad money. They're falsely claiming to fix people. This isn't just a problem in the self-help world, it's a problem wherever there are vulnerable people and it makes me mad in all its forms, but I'm just thinking about its vigor in the mental, physical and spiritual health realm. The thing about these self-help gurus is that they want you to keep paying for their products. So many of them, the skuzziest of them, are not going to actually help you get better. They're going to give you steps and products rather than help you discover solutions on your own (like a good licensed counselor will do!) So, here's the thing. The real way to get better is this: Stop being a little bitch and making excuses. Realize that life isn't fair. Be honest with yourself and start identifying your emotions rather than suppressing them. I just self-help guru'd you in two seconds.
Okay, so obviously that kind of blunt advice isn't good either. That's because advice is pretty shitty as it is. What works is discovering solutions on your own. Sometimes that requires a little nudge or some help, and for the best, longest lasting results that help should be from a licensed counselor: a licensed counselor who you've shopped around to find to make sure that they're a good fit for you. A counselor who is going to challenge you and not just make you feel good every week. This help shouldn't come from a self-help guru. And for the love of god, do not pay a life coach. My distaste for self-help gurus is why I generally avoid using "you" or "we" when I write these blog posts. This post is an exception because I just really firmly believe these things to be true, but usually I write testimonial style because I'm not trying to give advice. I'm not trying to say "you should do this" (other than to say that you should find a counselor and not pay some life coach to solve your problems). I only know what has worked for me and this blog is a space for me to explore that. I do hope that other people take something from my stories, but I don't really hope that I offer anyone a solution, because the best solutions are discovered on our own. I mean, think about it, when someone tells you what to do are you quick to do it? Probably not. Do you sometimes do the opposite? Probably. We may need some help to discover our own solutions, but ultimately if they come from within us, then those are the solutions that we stick to. Those are the answers that we adopt as lifestyle changes. When I receive positive feedback or affirmations from other people I view it in incredibly high regard. I ride the high of that stamp of approval from others, but it's not as often that I can do that for myself. I'm incredibly stingy with my own stamp of approval. In order to work on my own personal battles, I've had to become highly self-aware. I've had to be critical of myself so that I can grow. I think that has caused me to be even stingier with my own approval because, in most situations, I know that I can do better. I know that I'm more capable. I wouldn't give up being self-aware though. Recognizing my own insecurities and challenges has allowed me to change, and so much for the better. However, I would like it if I could be more willing to recognize my positive attributes. I would like it if I was less reliant on the approval of others so that I could sustain myself longer on my own approval.
When I was working as a para in a charter school, I needed to rely a lot on my own stamp of approval. I didn't buy into the discipline system of that school. I didn't respect much of the authority there and most of them weren't going to give me any kind of approval because I wasn't yelling at kids for minor behavior infractions or shhshing classes as they walked down the hallways. I had to believe that my view on how adults should interact with children was right. I had to be a bit of a bitch about it and think myself superior. I had to approve of the way I chose to interact with the students. When I was able to do that, I felt great. When I was able to sit outside for a few extra minutes after recess with a child who was tired and just asking for a little bit of extra attention, I was able to give myself praise. When I was able to let a child take a nap in the classroom because I could tell he was sick, I was able to give myself a stamp of approval. When I was able to tend to the students the way I thought was best, despite feeling pressure from the culture of the school to do otherwise, I rode the high of my own approval the whole day. Self-praise is easiest for me when my actions align with my values. So, on those days that I said phooey to the harsh culture of that charter school, I was able to give myself mounds of approval. I think this makes sense, but I also think that's why I'm more often so critical of myself. I have strong convictions, but self-praise is needed even on days when I don't rise above every challenge. That doesn't mean there's no room to evaluate and reconsider how I'm spending my time, how much I'm living up to my values, or think about what I can do better, it just means that I can give myself small approval. My own approval shouldn't always have to be contingent upon the monumental. When I feel better about myself, I work better. When I work better, I feel better about myself. Being critical of myself may be necessary for growth, but approving of myself is also necessary. Backsliding isn't exactly the word I want. When I googled it, a bunch of articles came up about "Backsliding Christians." I didn't read any of those articles, but I'm assuming based off these titles "Will God Condemn Backsliders," "Is a Backsliding Christian Still Saved" or "How Can I Come Back to God After Backsliding" that what they're talking about is Christians who start "sinning" by whatever definition they consider to be a sin. In my experience, that is a vast geography of things. (OK, I felt bad having not read the "Backsliding" articles. I thought I was being insensitive and not giving Christian media a fair chance, but they were mostly what I expected. Though I was surprised by "Does God Condemn Backsliders," which had a gentle tone of forgiveness - very useful for the topic of this post). I'm not talking about that Christian backsliding, though. I just can't think of the right word. Regression is maybe a bit closer to what I'm looking for, but that seems so much more clinical and too extreme for my uses. So, I'm sticking with backsliding. What I'm talking about is backsliding in terms of mental health. Backsliding in terms of progress. I have a tough time with this. I know it's incredibly common and even an appropriate part of mental health recovery, but it still gets me every time. I really hate it when I get into a funk, which, is actually a pretty consistent pattern of mine. I usually go steady feeling good for about a month or two, and then I hit something to lose momentum. This pattern has gotten better and my window of feeling good has stayed open longer. As I mentioned in my last post, I no longer let bad days get me down like they used to, but there are still walls that I hit from time to time. Like this week, I got sick. On Monday after work I got a piercing headache that was paired with nausea and put me to bed at 6:30PM. On Tuesday, when I woke up at 10AM I didn't feel much better (I always know I'm sick when I can sleep that much!) No food sounded good, so it was hard to keep my energy up. Then the headache and nausea returned that evening. Then Wednesday was still not great, though I did get out of the house for a good portion of the day at least, but when I was home I laid around. Even today, I've been struggling. I'm not only struggling with feeling physically unwell, but my thoughts are having a hard time staying positive. And after I just posted about being positive! That's the backsliding. I can't keep up the energy it takes me to stay positive and feel better about myself all the time. Sometimes, that whole process just breaks down. I've been feeling like crap not only because I'm sick, but also because I don't think I deserve to have all this time to rest and recover so the negative self-talk resurfaces. I'm not sure what to do to mitigate these episodes. I think I can kind of feel when they're coming, but because I'm great at avoiding things, I just pretend nothing is happening until I hit a wall, and then the backsliding begins.
I think the best thing to do is to curb them once they start. I haven't been great at that either because I usually think that I'll just take care of myself by laying around until the mood passes, but sometimes the mood lasts far too long. Sometimes, so much momentum is lost that it takes me a long time to get back on track. I have to admit, I feel like I'm sounding like a real loser right now. Moods. Laying around. That's a real and unfortunate part of depression, though and it's easy to grow content letting these moods rule me. It's easy to believe that it's "just the way it is" because to change it requires work and effort and that's hard. But, I would so much rather work on it then continue to be wrapped around the finger of my own negative and harmful thoughts. I have to be aware, though, that backsliding will happen. I have to keep myself alert to it and do my best to lessen the amount of time I spend going backwards. (I'd like to add that for a mild episode of sickness and depression, for me, one or two days of laying around seems reasonable. But four days is getting excessive and I'm gauging that off how incredibly restless I feel). My plan to get out of this episode is to submit some poems and short stories to a few literary journals and publications. That is a manageable goal and I know it will help me to go forward again because it's work toward a future goal. I don't think this goal will work for every episode of backsliding, that's something I'll have to feel out each time, but that's okay. What's important is that I begin to identify these episodes sooner and that I work harder to get out of them. What's important is that I forgive myself for ending up there in the first place so that I can move on without guilt. Working on depression and anxiety has been hard. I think that's why I get so upset when I hit a wall. It feels like the progress is stopping and that all that hard work was fruitless. It feels like I'm going backward in time, but that's only true if I let it be true. I always have the power to keep working, to keep making progress. Positive thinking might bring to mind the light and perhaps naïve thinking of the beloved literary figure Pollyanna, but thinking positively doesn't have to be that extreme. This may be a hard message to send through the dense overkills of the Internet, but not everything has to be extreme. I mean, I myself am more naturally inclined to be like MTVs Daria. But, when I consciously make choices to think positively, I find that I am not only happier, but that I work harder and feel less tired. This isn't some novel discovery, the field of positive psychology has my back on this. When we find something positive to focus on, something positive to live for, then we live more meaningful lives. It's hard though, isn't it? My brain is trained to think of disappointments, set backs, and failures before it recognizes progress and successes. That's why I have to make conscious decisions to think positively. I don't just wake up naturally chipper. I haven't always been able to shrug off failures and disappointments and I have a hunch that the majority of people in the developed world face the same problem. If we didn't, then positive psychology probably wouldn't even be a necessary field. I've been thinking about this a lot today because two big disappointments happened. Disappointments that in the past, might have made me count the whole day as a misery. The first was that my husband and I had invited friends over for dinner and I'd cleaned the house, we'd planned a nice meal, but they cancelled. The second disappointment was that I made a pie, but I failed to follow the directions carefully enough and it didn't turn out. I had a moment after the first disappointment where I thought wow, I'm such a shitty no-good person that people don't even want to come spend three hours with me for free food, but I bounced back super quickly and moved on with the day. Not only that, I realized that it wasn't personal and had nothing to do with who I am as a person. It wasn't about me. Most things in life are, in fact, not about me. Then, after my pie was a weird chunky failure, I just tossed it out without hardly a moan. The pie, of course, had no vendetta against me as it was just a pie. Plus, I was making that pie for our friends, so it actually worked out that they didn't come to be witnesses to my pie mishap. It's embarrassing, but I did used to be so dramatic as to let these disappointments be day ruiners. I may have even blamed the pie for my own carelessness. Since I've made more conscious choices to be positive, though, these events can pass by like any ordinary event. That, I think, is the power of positive thinking. It doesn't change us in a day. It doesn't make us instantly happier, but overtime, it changes the way we perceive and respond to disappointments and challenges. Ok, but, I do still like being a bit like Daria. I'll admit it. Maybe it's my inner emo kid living on. What I like about Daria though, is not that she's some tortured emo soul - 'cause she's not - she's honest. She sees the truth hidden under people's falsehoods and lies. She doesn't fall for bullshit.
We could all stand to be more like Daria, actually. I'm not reversing my point about positivity, no, but it's important to be skeptical. I'm not trying to make the point that we should all be blissfully unaware for the sake of being positive anyway. What I am saying is that it's ultimately more exhausting to be negative all the time. Especially when it comes to our personal lives. If it's too hard to find any hope in the big picture, in the chaos of world events, then at least we can find some positives in our day to day lives - a beautiful sunrise or sunset, a favorite song playing on the radio, a kind conversation with a stranger, an unexpected kiss from a loved one, - even that can make a difference. What I am saying is that being positive doesn't have to come with wearing rose colored glasses. Having even a vague sense of optimism can go a long way toward being productive and feeling good about what we do, but more importantly feeling good about ourselves. This is all sounding a bit preachy and self-love guruy, so I'll bring it back to myself. Looking to the bright side more frequently has allowed me to enjoy my days more. It has given me the strength and resilience to work through problems and challenges that, only a few years ago, I would have let defeat me. I'm still skeptical. I'm still cynical. Ok, even EDGY some days, but I'm more inclined to seek satisfaction and fulfillment than I used to be. Being positive is challenging and sometimes it makes me uncomfortable because it's just not the natural direction for my thoughts to go, but I'd rather be uncomfortable sometimes than miserable all the time. I would rather have a life, hope, and a future. |
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